Monday, July 28, 2014

Just Tired

My Other Half looked at me just before dinner and said, "You've been like this all day.  I think it's time to let go of your bad mood."

He's right, I have been in a bad mood all day.  And tired, too, even after a good night's sleep.  I really wasn't sure what my problem was today.  Until bath time.

I was just trying to help Prima rinse the shampoo out of her hair, and she back-talked to me.  I walked away from her and into the kids' bathroom where My Other Half was giving Terzo a bath.  "You know why I'm in bad mood today?  It's because I'm tired of the back-talk and I just don't feel good enough anymore.  I don't have the energy to do this anymore."

I'm tired of my screaming two-year-old:
I didn't know you wanted to drink from the drinking fountain and not your water bottle.
I didn't know you wanted to open the book since you wouldn't answer me.

I'm tired of teaching my five-year-old to behave appropriately:
No, we don't jump off the railing of the deck.
No, we don't climb over the gate at the top of the stairs.
Please don't stand on your chair / put your feet on the table / freak out about everything.

I'm tired of teaching my seven-year-old to have respect:
Please don't tell me you are "So Incredibly Mad" at me because I told you to put on your shoes so we can leave.
Please don't tell your brother what to do, you are not his mother.

Being a Mom feels so hard today and I don't want to keep correcting the same problems over and over and over again.  And I'm just tired.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Saying Good-Bye

My Other Half's Grandma died this month.  She was 93 years old.

The Wake was yesterday and, even though I took the kids up to see her in the casket, the sadness never came.  Maybe it was watching my three kids have fun with cousins and second cousins they have rarely or never met.  Maybe it was the fact that they weren't sad.  Maybe it was reconnecting with Sister-in-Laws and family friends.  Maybe it was all those things, and more, combined that kept the sadness away.

The Funeral was today.  And the sadness came when they said they were going to close the casket.  There is a finality to this simple act because this is the last time we will see them.  Forever is a long time.

The priest at the funeral mass did a wonderful job relaying all that my Father-in-Law and his sister told the priest about their mother.  How she went to school in a one-room schoolhouse and worked on the farm.  How she asked her then-boyfriend if he was going to be a farmer and only agreed to date him because he said no.  They later married and were together for 60+ years before he passed away ten years ago.  How important family was to her and how much she loved being a Grandma and Great-Grandma.

How much she missed her husband and how she was certainly reunited with him and happy.

My Other Half and I talked about this later.  Grandma missed her husband so much and she was ready to let go of her life.  It had been a good life, full of time spent with Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren, but it was time for her to be with him.

And I look at My Other Half and I know some day that will be us.  Someday, we will be separated by death and then ready to be reunited.  I wonder what it will be like, many years from now, when my children have to say good-bye to us.  Will they know how much we loved them and each other?  Will they look at their other halves and think the same things I am today, about how much we loved each other and how much we missed each other and how we were ready to say good-bye?

This is the source of my sadness, if I'm being fully honest with myself.  Because I know Grandma missed him everyday for 10 years.  And I know that they are together again.  And I know in my heart that this will be us.

Today was also our Tenth Anniversary.  Today, we were given a glimpse into our future, a sobering and sad glimpse, but our future all the same.

Friday, July 4, 2014

A Year Already

Today is Independence Day and it marks Terzo one year anniversary of walking.  It's been a year already, since we started this journey with Terzo's eyes.

May 24th, 2013 was the first day we noticed his right eye going cross-eyed.  He was almost 15 months.  The first week was full of worry until the ophthalmologist appointment.  After his diagnosis, I was hit with this crushing anger.  Anger at myself for not catching this sooner.  Anger that Terzo even had a problem seeing because he could eat and pick up small objects and play with toys, things we thought he shouldn't be able to do if he couldn't see.  But he wouldn't walk, wouldn't let go of the couch or table to take steps across the room, because he couldn't see.  That anger quickly turned to fear when we realized the full extent of Terzo's diagnosis: the ophthalmologist feared that Terzo was going blind in his right eye if we didn't correct it quickly.

On June 11th, 2013, Terzo received his glasses and he has literally never looked back.  He marveled a little at the flowers outside the glasses store.  I have a picture of him sitting in the car playing with a plastic water bottle like he was seeing for it the first time.

A month later, on Independence Day, Terzo walked across the room without holding onto anything!  On the videos, you can hear Prima and Segundo cheering loudly for him.  They were just as proud of him as he was of himself.  And I was in tears.  This was the proof I needed that everything was going to be all right.

His glasses work for him, they strengthen his right eye and balance out both eyes while correcting his astigmatism and far-sightedness.  Terzo will probably need glasses for the rest of his life and I'm great with that.  Because he can see.

No more anger, no more worry, no more fear.  He can see everything and do anything, and that is all that matters.