Sunday, February 22, 2015

On Self-Worth and a Job Interview

I'm going to have bad dreams tonight, I thought in the car on the way to run errands Monday night.  I took a deep breath and realized that I wasn't going to be able to stop the bad dreams.  I had already had one night of them the day before and, since the job interview at the fitness center was tomorrow, I was going to have to get through one more night.

Dreams of Terzo having to be in the class I was auditioning to teach because he just cried and cried at being left with the staff babysitting.  Of the coordinator having to take over half way through because everything was going wrong.  Of embarrassing myself somehow at the beginning and not being able to make it better.

I'd spent the last few days beating down or trying to drown out my fears that the only place left for them was in my dreams.  I'd been trying to tell myself that I was worthy of this job interview, that I was good enough, had enough experience, could actually teach a fitness class without a stroller in tow.  I broke down a little Monday night after writing my class for the interview.  Trying not to cry, I said to My Other Half, "What if I'm not good enough?"

He said, "You are.  And you know what you're doing. Remember, this is supposed to be fun."  Fun, huh?  I guess I forgot about that part.  I was so worried about not messing up, about not being good enough, that I forgot that I was the one pursuing this job interview.  I said yes when a friend mentioned the fitness center was looking for subs.  I said yes to filling out the application and getting in touch with the coordinator.  I said yes to all of it because I did want the opportunity to try something new, to put myself out there.

Only now that I was, I was scared half to death.  At the actual interview on Tuesday, I was literally shaking, teeth chattering, the whole deal.  But once things got moving, once I got my chance, everything felt better.  I did know what I was doing.  I could teach a hard class.  I was worthy of this opportunity.  

I'm glad that I went through this experience.  I'm glad that I was so scared because it made me realize that I did want to do this.  I'm glad that, with the support of My Other Half, I understood that my sense of self-worth is more important that what other people think.  I'm glad I figured that out in time to have a good job interview.

Oh, and I nailed it! :)

Friday, February 13, 2015

On Being Rescued

Most days I silently count the hours until My Other Half calls on his way home letting me how close he is to being home.  I think about how much easier making dinner and helping with homework would be if he was home.  I think about how much more patience I would have getting the kids ready for their after school activities if he was home.  Sometimes, I resent being left alone to deal with what feels like EVERYTHING.

I basically Wait To Be Rescued. Everyday.

The first time I realized that I do that was a couple weeks ago, when My Other Half was out of town for the night for work.  I was standing at the stove, getting ready to make dinner for me, the kids, and my parents.  I was exhausted and that tiredness had given me a pounding headache.  While I was lucky to have the help of my parents that afternoon, it dawned on me that there would be no one to Rescue Me that evening.

Those were my exact thoughts: No One Is Coming To Rescue Me.

I took a deep breath and did something that I very rarely do, I took care of myself.  I grabbed my water bottle, took something for my headache, and started the water for tea.  If I was going to make it through My Other Half's absence, I was going to have to start with myself and work my way out to my kids.  And I was going to have to stop thinking that I needed to be rescued.

Because I don't need rescuing.  I am good enough on my own to handle whatever needs to be taken care of.  I just needed the chance to prove it to myself.  I also needed to realize that by taking care of myself, I was taking better care of my family.  Just by recognizing what I needed to be well, and then doing it, I took better care of everyone.  I wasn't yelling or feeling annoyed about everything because I wasn't feeling well.  We actually had a pleasant dinner, I was able to get Segundo ready for gymnastics on time, and bedtime went as well as it could go without My Other Half.

Here's the thing: We are good enough and we can do this.  We don't need to be rescued.  We need to think about what we can do for ourselves to make us better able to handle the day.

What do you need everyday to feel good about yourself?  A cup of tea or coffee, an hour in the morning without kids, a run, something else?  Do that and hopefully the rest will fall into place.  Take care of yourself and then you can take care of the world!  You just rescued yourself.